Care Bears in Wonderland
NC is looking rather happy NC: (quickly) Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (normal) This is it. This is finally it. The last one. We are at the FINAL CARE BEARS MOVIE!!! NC dances happily in his chair as text reading "The Final Care Bears Movie" are displayed over fireworks. "Ode to Joy" is played in the background NC: Oh, it's been hard. It's been an enchanted realm of shit watching these films. But we're finally here. The very last one! Taste the rainbow, motherfuckers! This is Care Bears in Wonderland!* *The movie is actually credited as ''The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland NC: (voiceover) Well, these may not be the worst films I've ever seen, there's just an annoyance that goes along with the Care Bears name. And this film is no exception. Not only do they insult the intelligence of the younger audience watching this, but now they insult the intelligence of the Lewis Carroll books. That's two slaps in the face for one! NC: How bad is it? Well apparently it wasn't even good enough to get a DVD release. So that means that this... Jason (from the first ''Care Bears movie): Do you have a house made all out of wood? NC: And this... Darkheart (from Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation): Time for a game of disappearing bears. NC: Deserve much better treatment than this. (pointing to the VHS copy he later slams down on his desk; now speaking in a demonic voice) BRING IT ON!!!!!! NC: (voiceover) So we see this time instead of a movie company making this film, we instead get a movie theater company. Because obviously nobody should keep this gift of cinema away from the movie-going public. Part of the opening song is sung NC (voiceover): And I guess they actually got Natalie Cole to sing the opening song this time. Give her some credit, though. She puts more energy into it than Carole King, who sounds like she's singing it in her fucking sleep. King blandly sings the opening song to the first ''Care Bears movie'' NC: (mocking King) Care-a-Lot is a place we all can go... (snores) for laughing and singing. NC (voiceover): So we start off with Grumpy Bear waking up to a strange surprise. A white rabbit is stuck in his mirror. (as Grumpy Bear) Ooh, must be the side effects of the anti-depressants. Grumpy Bear: Who are you? Rabbit: No time for questions. (grabs Grumpy Bear by the legs and flies out) NC (voiceover): So it turns out the rabbit is looking for Swiftheart. Why? Get this: because they're related! Swiftheart: Uncle! What brings you all the way from Wonderland? NC (voiceover): Yeah, that's right. The rabbit from Alice in Wonderland is related to the rabbit from Care Bears. No shit. What other family tree surprises do you think are out there? Do you think Slimpy(?) is related to Mr. Toad? Toto is related to Beethoven? Or Tom Thumb is related to Danny DeVito? NC: The possiblities are just endless! NC (voiceover): But actually, that's not even the biggest surprise. Here's the real shocker for me. Rabbit: ...the wareabouts of my niece Swiftheart Rabbit by name. NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, Swiftheart is a chick?! I never knew that! Oh my god, I totally thought he was a dude this whole time! Okay, I don't need to know women wear bows and dresses and stuff but... some kinda clue would be nice! NC: I mean, you know, bigger eyelashes, or redder lips, or... A picture of Lola Bunny is seen with the words "Bunny Boobies" NC: Nope, nope! We are not opening that door again! Rabbit: What brought me here? Well, she did! Her! You and your friends must help me find this girl! NC: Oh you mean... Princess Peach? NC (voiceover): Yeah, there's no comparison. It's fucking Princess Peach! And we find out later that she's been kidnapped by an evil monster in a magical land from a giant castle. Why is it that fucking Care Bears in Wonderland is closer to a Super Mario Bros. movie than the ACTUAL Super Mario Bros. movie?! NC: Okay okay, keep the review focused. We're hating this stuff. NC (voiceover): So it turns out they have to find this princess character, or else. Braveheart: Or else what? Rabbit: Or else an evil wizard will take over all of Wonderland, and everyone there will be forced to obey him! NC (voiceover): So rather than do something crazy like... oh, I don't know... search Wonderland for her, the rabbit decides to get the Care Bears to roam the earth and try to find her. Grumpy Bear: What about breakfast? NC (voiceover): I just love the fact that everyone has accepted the fact that Care Bears just exist now. For them, it's just an everyday occurrence. Even pilots from another film notice the Care Bears flying and dropping flyers NC (voiceover): Nobody questions the fact that these things are walking around. Hell, they even drop by a zoo. How confusing is that to see a bear out of a cage at a fucking zoo?! You think they talk to the other bears there? NC: Hey. (pounds his chest and gives a bear a peace sign) Keep strong my brother. Fight the good fight. A bear gives NC a peace sign as well NC (voiceover): So while they don't find her, they do find a girl that looks very similar to her. Her name is Alice, big surprise, and she's sad because she doesn't feel special. Alice: What's the use? They're such special people, and I'm... I'm just me. Oh, Dyna. It doesn't matter what I do. I'm just not special. NC (voiceover as Alice): Oh, curse this youthful face, expressive eyes, glowing hair, perfect teeth, clear skin, and excellent speaking voice. I want to be special! NC: You know, like Suzie down the street with her head retainer, bad acne, and unexplained third eye. She's the girl we all want to be! NC (voiceover): But faster than you can say "Who fucking cares?," the Care Bears arrive to explain their situation. Rabbit: The resemblance is remarkable. But the rest, the clothes, the hair. Grumpy Bear: You look just like the princess! Alice: Princess? Rabbit: Hmm, I'm not sure. I'm not sure she's special enough. NC (mocking rabbit): I think we were closer talking to that Suzie chick with the three-eye. A scream is heard, presumbly Suzie's, and NC jumps Alice: Well I, I couldn't go alone. Swiftheart: You don't have to, Alice. Friend Bear: We're ready. Good Luck Bear: And willing. Braveheart: And able. Right NC: Actually, I sorta meant talking to my parents about going on this whole trip. Left NC: Uh yeah, you probably don't want to bring this up to them. Uh, what we're doing is most likely very, very illegal, seeing how you're a minor. Uh, the best way to look at this is a very wymsical adventure. Uh, that way we don't have to bring in the authorities. Right NC: Well, couldn't I least call my mom or... Left NC: Do it or I'll eat you. Right NC: Okay. NC (voiceover): So they start going through the mirror, when suddenly the evil wizard breaks it into pieces. Meaning the team is split up. Rather than just... oh, I don't know, going into another mirror, they decide to find an enchanted hole to climb into. What a coincidence! I also have an enchanted hole these schmucks can climb into! Grumpy Bear: How about looking for breakfast first? NC (voiceover): Oh yeah, there's a running joke by the way where Grumpy starves because he hasn't eaten all day. What's this building up to? Oh, you'll see when we get there. Grumpy Bear falls into a hole NC (voiceover as Rabbit) I remember this from the much better Disney movie. (as Grumpy) Oh you mean with Johnny Depp? (as Rabbit) No, the much better Disney movie! (normal) So the two groups venture though Wonderland. As you'd imagine, it's goofy, crazy, and all those other things you've come to expect. But then the evil wizard named... evil wizard sends out his two henchmen, whom I can only assume are called Tweedle-Annoying, and Tweedle-Obnoxious. They are sent out to stop them from reaching the castle. Alice: Who are you? Henchmen start speaking, but I can't quite make out what they're saying NC: You may notice the lack of enjoyment out of these characters. Now, the reason behind this is... God hates you and He shows it with Care Bears. NC (voiceover): Tweedle-Dick and Tweedle-Cheese quickly send out their giant red robots for them. That's right. Giant robots. Clearly fitting the Victorian-base novel this hag film was loosely based on, but hey, if Tim Burton can throw in break dancing, I guess Care Bears can throw in giant robots. Care Bears "stare" him down NC (voiceover): But the Care Bears defeat the robots and eventually meet up with the other group. Just when they're trying to figure out what to do next, they hear a strange rapping sound. Rapping Cat: You know I see the princess in another room / Where the wizard's got her locked away / Now he's one bad dude, he's in a nasty mood / And he wants to be the king someday. NC (voiceover): You know, it's funny. This is the only character that I'm actually finding myself liking so far, but maybe it's because they've set the bar so phenomenally low that even a rapping cat from Alice in Wonderland is odd-be-ups. NC: Yeah, I'd like to see a rap-off between the rapping cat and the rapping dog from Titantic... oh God, I said it! Such rap-off occurs NC: Stop, stop! I never thought I'd say this, but put Care Bears back on! NC (voiceover): So the team splits up again, one going to get Alice to the castle, and the other goes to find the princess. Grumpy Bear: I'm so hungry, I'm starting to see things. NC (voiceover): Still building up that joke. You won't believe how disappointing the end result is. Grumpy Bear: (imitating some pirate) Avast, me hardies! 'Tis a fair wind, and clear sailing ahead! NC (voiceover): It turns out, they've come across a series of hats that makes them believe they're different people. Swiftheart: It must belong to the Mad Hatter. I'll bet he left it behind so we can follow him! Braveheart: So that's what the Cheshire cat meant by "use our heads!" NC: I suppose you could've told us that straightforward, but that wouldn't have been so forcefully hip! (starts dancing to rap beats) NC (voiceover): So while they follow the... hats, I guess, the other team goes over their battletime(?). Alice: Mr. Rabbit, I was wondering, what exactly does a princess do? NC (mocking the rabbit): Well, mostly sell toys, piss off feminists, and make girls question their own sense of self-worth. (pause) Tell me I'm wrong! NC (voiceover): But then Tweedle-Dip and Tweedle-Shit drop by and throw her in their evil carriage. So they stop her from going to the castle as they take her to... the castle. You just brought her to the place she was going anyway! I think you're plan's a little backwards Jafar! Wizard: I am the wizard of Wonderland! Alice: Well, why don't you leave Wonderland alone?! Wizard: Wonderland needs me! NC (voiceover): So of course he sings about how he wants to bring rule and order to a place where don't seem to fly. Now, tell me if you're listening to the song that it sounds a bit familiar. NC compares part of the lyrics to the Monty Python's Galaxy song NC (voiceover): Yeah, pretty friggin' close, aren't they? Needless to say, the sequence would be much better with anime(?...) floating around. And I know I talked about this in my "Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments" but I'm gonna talk about it again. Just before the evil wizard finishes the song, for a split second he makes one of the scariest faces, period. Wizard: Everything that I command... The face is seen NC (voiceover): Did you miss it? Let's play it again. Wizard: Everything that I command... NC shows us the face again NC (voiceover): God...DAMN is that freaky?! Let it haunt your nightmares for weeks! NC: Oh, don't think it's that bad? Don't think it's that creepy? Let's try replacing it with that scary face from the Don't Be Afraid of the Dark trailer. The face is edited to be seen in that very trailer NC: Fucking scary! Wizard: You think for a single moment that a silly, frightened, plain little girl like you can fool anyone into believing that you are a real princess?! Alice: No!!! NC (as Alice): He's torturing me with observations about my plainness! (normal) So, in a rather bizarre move, Alice runs into a room where everyone thinks she's the princess. Well, why did you do that dumbass? You had her right there, you could've killed her or locked her up or something! Instead you just sat out there playing! You know, instead of being a wizard, I think they should've called you "Friggin' Dumb Ox!" Queen: Tomorrow, she shall become queen of Wonderland! NC (voiceover): So unlike the queen in the book, who was nasty in Hateville, this queen is nice and jolly. And clearly has no idea how to govern because are some pretty weird rules they have to abide by. Queen: The wizard has hidden my daughter somewhere to make certain that she'll miss the coronation tomorrow. I'll have no choice but to pass my crown onto him. NC: Well why don't you just stay queen then? Queen: I'd have cursed this Wonderland this instant, but I have no proof! NC: When do you need in proof in Wonderland? Didn't you hear the song? Everything's topsy-turvy and upside-down! What's with all the laws? Queen: With you, standing in place of the princess, the wizard cannot be crowned king of Wonderland. NC (voiceover): And yeah, that's another thing. Have you noticed what the princess' name is? Princess! Have you noticed what the queen's name is? Queen! NC: I mean how can you even pass laws if you DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEIR FUCKING NAMES ARE?!!! NC (voiceover): So they dress her up and teach her how to be all princessy so she can fool the crowd. Alice: How difficult can drinking tea and playing croquet be? NC: Apparently not as hard as finding a good advert(?). Friend Bear: You're doing great, Alice! Alice: Thanks to my friendly flamingo! Flamingo: I just happen to be the best in the business! Pink text appears reading "With Hugh Jackman as Flamingo" along with the movie's opening theme NC (voiceover): So by following the hats, the group makes it to a cave where they find the Mad Hatter, who apparently was smart enough to lead people to the princess' location, but not actually smart enough to save her himself. NC: You know, the lack of logic in the characters' lack of logic really lacks of logic! Mad Hatter: You like hats! I'm mad about hats! NC: Well I've heard of worse reasons for a song. Mad Hatter starts singing an awful song NC: Uh yeah, uh, isn't there a princess we were supposed to save? Uh, crowning ceremony that could happen at any moment? Is there a hat to shut you the FUCK UP?! Mad Hatter: You like hats? I'm mad about hats! NC (voiceover): So they find the princess is being kept in the... living room of the Jabberwocky. Strange, but stupid, where they get her out and escape the giant beast. Mad Hatter: Come on. Let's get outta here! Good Luck Bear: But what about the Jabberwocky? He's got a thorn in his paw! Princess: The poor creature. That explains why he's so miserable! NC: (mocking the princess) Makes me totally forget that he held me hostage and is dooming a nation. NC (voiceover): So of course they pull the thorn out, and the Jabberwocky is suddenly a good guy. Jabberwocky: Thank you. Grumpy Bear: You're very welcome, Mr. (stutters saying Jabberwocky) Jabberwocky: Just call me Stan, it's much easier to say. NC (voiceover): Okay, Stan. Okay, so the Jabberwocky that we just met in the third act is named Stan. And yet there are still THREE MAJOR CHARACTERS with no names! NC: Where are your priorities movie? Do you just wanna forget we watched you? NC (voiceover): So he starts flying onto the castle, where Alice is now being commanded to do the princess test. Alice: What's the princess test? Queen: It's a test that only a true princess can pass. NC: (illustrating The Princess and the Pea) Well, you take a dozen mattresses, take one teeny tiny little pea... and then run a DNA test, to see if it matches the Queen. Pretty straightforward? NC (voiceover): So I guess the book of wonder calls for her to climb a mountain, bring a cup of water down from the well to make the sleeping flowers bloom. Alice is on a ledge of a steep mountain NC (voiceover): You know, this doesn't seem especially princessy! I mean where in the book did it say she had to climb a mountain in a goddamn ball gown?! NC: Isn't that like training a Navy Seal by having a tea party? NC (voiceover): Oh hey, look it's Daaaarrkkheaaaaaartttt!!!! Oh no, the rapping cat returns! NC: Eh, that was okay. But it was no... Pink Power in Da House! Rapping Cat continues rapping NC (as Alice): Uh, yeah, do you think maybe you can give me a lift up? Or something? I mean, the rap is nice, but I have to climb a mountain in heals for god's sake! Nothing? Nada? Okay, I'm just gonna act like you have a point in this movie. (normal) So she gets the water from the well, and SOMEHOW manages to climb down without spilling it, as she then comes across a unicorn, which she can't help but give the water to. And wouldn't you know it, that was part of the test! What a shock! But it's not over yet! She still has to make the flowers bloom. Now how the hell is she gonna do that? She simply touches the flowers with her fingertips NC: ...huh. NC (voiceover): Well, I guess deep down inside, maybe she was special enough to find the heart and courage to rule over a kingdom. Discovering that she's stronger than ever much possible. Alice: You're wrong. I'm the fake! NC: Or they just switch places, yeah that works too. Doublemint jingle plays NC (voiceover): So the jig is up and the wizard is sent to jail, allowing Alice to finally return home. That must be a pretty entertaining story to tell the folks. NC (voice offscreen imitating a daughter): Dad, I just got back from Wonderland, where an evil wizard tried to take over, but a bunch of magic bears helped me out to save the princess and make the flowers bloom! NC: Take your meds! Braveheart: Hey, where's Grumpy going? Friend Bear: I've got a pretty good idea! NC (voiceover): Oh yeah. Would you like to know what this running gag with Grumpy being hungry all the time finally amounts to? Oh, you're gonna be so happy(!) Friend Bear: Oh, Grumpy! Get this: Grumpy Bear actually starts rapping! NC (voiceover): Really. You're giving us a rap. A grumpy rap. This is what the whole movie has been building up that goddamn joke up to this whole time! THAT'S... REALLY... DUMB!!! Grumpy: ...I'm filling up my belly with ice cream and jelly and I'm topping it with pickle beets, mmm-mmmmmm! Braveheart: Pickle beets? (faints) Grumpy: Uh-huh - topping it with pickle beets, oh yeah! NC: But hey, on the bright side, at least we don't have to hear a rap from the Cheshire cat. Just then, the Cheshire cat appears and raps with Grumpy. CC: Yo, Grumpy bear I gotta hand it to you... The NC is rocking back and forth in agony with his fingers in his gears, grunting. NC: Uuuuuuuh! CC: ...and did right by my man, Stan! You put the Wizard in his place now everything's safe - everything in Wonderland. A clip of the Super Mario Bros cartoon theme - also a rap - plays for a few seconds. CC: ...I can't wait to eat uh-huh, with the Care Bear family, that's right... Braveheart: Pickle beets? Oooh! (faints) NC (voiceover): Oh, hahaha, and that joke worked so well the first time, you just had to repeat it, huh?(!) NC: Well, repeat this! (hits the VHS copy of the movie with a hammer three times) THIS MOVIE SUCKS! NC: (voiceover) They all do. But this one in particular is just so forgettable. The story is fluff, the characters are fluff. The only thing that's kinda neat is when you see something creatively weird in Wonderland, but even then it's very rare and is usually placed very safe and conservative. So there's not much to look at. While the second one was probably worse, I have to admit that one at least had Daaaaaarrrkkkheaaaarrrtttt, who is much more memorable than anything else in this flick! The screen cap of the wizard's scary face pops up again NC (voiceover): Eeehh!!! Except for that! NC: All I gotta say, is I'm glad I'm done with these movies. They're far too cutesie and bland for my tastes. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I don't care! NC (as Care Bears) Did someone say care? NC: (grabs a hammer) Excuse me. NC begins hitting the Care Bears with the hammer just before the credits roll Braveheart: Pickle beets? (faints) Ending tagline: I'm just not special. Category:Content Category:Guides